So exciting.
Whenever I am happy--and I am very, very happy right now, I know I am (I must be.)--I am simultaneously wracked with anxiety. I am trying to learn how to just be happy, but it's an awful lot of work. Last night I came to the sort-of-earth-shaking epiphany that I am responsible for my own choices--for all of them; that part of being a grownup means not blaming my childhood or exes or anything but me for my neuroses and issues; that the liberating and terrifying truth is that I am in charge of my own life.
At the moment, I am aware of the liberating part of this truth, but definitely experiencing only the terrifying part.
There are so many wonderful things about being a grownup. I can live with my beautiful Jam Guy. We are buying a home. We can have children of our own and be the real grownups (gulp). I can wear what I want, earn a paycheck, go to the grocery store with it and leave with a shopping cart full of Apple Jacks if I want. (Do they still make Apple Jacks?) I can leave the house whenever I want; I can close doors when I want. As I told Jam Guy on our drive up through California a few weeks ago, I have never, ever been this free in my life.
But some days, there's nothing like being a grownup to make you want to get fetal again. Or at least hide out in a pillow fort.
(image from www.nonchalance.com/blog)My friend Monisha told me last night that at 30, I am winding up my Saturn return, which she says is a time of coming back to yourself and a time of maturation. That resonated with me. This right-now-period in my life marks for me a time of moving into happiness and groundedness in a real way. In spite of--no, probably because of--this, I am getting shook up every day by bad memories, weird flaring-ups of neuroses, anxiety, crazies. I am hiking barefoot over some scary-ass territory on my way to this home that Jam Guy and I are trying to build together. And I have to build something for myself, and I am still waiting and working to learn what that thing is.
2 comments:
WOOOO!! Congratulations!! That's SO exciting!!! I can't wait till see sign the dotted line. =)
So here's my take on it. A lot of your anxieties are there because you are worried about what happens after these wonderful events. And, all the other things that could pop up can be bad which would ruin the good. Unfortunately, it's hard to forsee these things. And they drive you nuts. It's ok to worry a little, but just don't lose sight of the present and enjoying all the good around you. The bad will come on it's own time and you'll be more than prepared. Try to relax and enjoy the now when it's here.
p.s. Yes, they still have Apple Jacks. I saw them when I picked up my Frosted Flakes. ;)
You are TOTALLY right, and very wise. Thank you--I really am working on enjoying the good right now!
Yay Apple Jacks!
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