where the heart is

Last night I had a total, pretty unseemly, freak-out. I think it has to do with all the transitioning happening lately--I'm getting ready to graduate after four years of madness, I've left New York, I'm pretty sure I'm getting engaged, which also prompts thoughts of weddings, babies, real estate, not necessarily in that, or any, order. Moving towards a life of some stability and happiness on a day-to-day basis means, hopefully, leaving behind a life of frequent crisis, change, and struggle. Transition has been more of a constant in my life than most other constants; transitioning away from transition might turn out to be a bit of a struggle in itself.

What I need to remember, I think, is that leaving behind the expectation of crisis and hustle does not mean I am leaving behind adventure and excitement. Happiness does not have to bring complacency. I want to be ready to be this happy; I am working on it.

Anyways. I freaked out on a bewildered Jam Guy and just ditched out without any discussion or notice. I didn't exactly know what was wrong; what I did know was that I needed to figure it out on my own and in motion. I didn't bring my pocketbook or phone, just stuck my sockless feet into my sneakers and put on my coat and stalked his neighborhood like a crazy lady for a while. What I figured out is that I am deeply, gut-level afraid that my whole life has been leading up to this point where everything is working beautifully and about to blossom into this magnificent rightness just so that I can topple it all and go around being a head case with overlong toenails.

When I came back to explain this to Jam Guy, I found him wandering a bit in front of his house, peering into the small-town dark. I expected to be reproached for making him worry. He folded me in his arms, told me he loved me so much, brought me inside and put a steaming bowl of jasmine rice and hot pork adobo in front of me.

Rice and adobo should make anyone feel better pretty much right away, and I'm absolutely no exception. Maybe I should quit wondering how I got so lucky and just feel lucky.