Rather impressively offensive cake-topper company

So I am just going to post images from the site, as well as the actual names the company gives each cake-topper. I don't think you really need my commentary here.

Here is "Bride and Groom with Lace Dress":


Here is "Ethnic Bride and Groom Couple":


Here is "A Sexy Couple":


And here is "A Sexy Ethnic Couple":


Here is "Cute Asian Couple":


I mean I couldn't make this stuff up.

And here is "Chinese Couple," I effing kid you not:

The description from the site for this little pair of figurines reads: "This hopeful young couple, dressed in the beautiful traditional costume worn by the Chinese on their wedding day, look with wide, eager eyes toward their future together. "

What the fuck.

Moving on: There is a Homosexual Cake-Topper section (that's what the link says: "Homosexual," not "Gay" or "LGBT" or anything sort of friendlier-sounding). Now, one would think that in the Homosexual Cake-Topper section, one would find figurines with two brides together, or two grooms together. Right? Or a woman in a tux and another in a wedding gown? Something along those lines?

There are TWO figurines available for sale in the Homosexual Cake-Topper Section. They are both men, and they are both alone. And they are both the same figurine, but one is painted brown. Here are all two of your choices, should you decide to decorate a Homosexual Wedding Cake:

"Macho Man":
and "Ethnic Macho Man":



whose mouth IS PAINTED RED, people. How is this okay in present-day America?


The "sports" cake-topper section only has groom figures. There are no brides engaging in sports; sporting about on wedding cakes, apparently, is a male-only activity. The grooms on this site do include Golf Fanatic Groom:


and Golf Fanatic Groom Ethnic:



Golf Fanatic Groom Ethnic is pictured walking away from Exasperated Bride Ethnic, whom you can purchase separately for $22.95. Because this is how you want people to think of you on your wedding day--pissed-off, cross-armed, mouth hanging open, getting left behind by your watch-checking groom.

You can peruse this site yourself: it's justcaketoppers.com. Jam Guy and I are skipping the toppers, and probably just serving pie.